No Peak, No Point, No Meaning
by Speaker
Summary: The Suikoden men's take on yaoi and common slash pairings. No, it doesn't have any sort of plot or purpose, is that bad?


No Peak, No Point, No Meaning - Yama Nashi, Ochi Nashi, Imi Nashi (YAOI)  
  
Suikoden Fan Fiction monstrosity.  
  
- Warnings: Yaoi. Swearing. Pointlessness. Extreme spoilers for all 3 games.  
  
- I'm really sorry for this, that's all I can say.  
  
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Camus: Thank you all for coming tonight, the first night of what will undoubtedly become a great tradition among the Suikoden Men.  
  
Miklotov (under his breath): Like anyone would come if they knew you were in charge...  
  
Camus: Quiet, Miklotov. No need to be jealous. You just dont have the self control that I do.  
  
//Miklotov jumps to his feet, slamming his fists into the table.//  
  
Miklotov: Self control my ass!  
  
Camus: Sit down.  
  
Miklotov (mumbling): Jackass Red Knight....  
  
Camus: Anyway, this is the first meeting of the Secret Alliance of Suikoden Men Against Slash.  
  
Miklotov: Boo.  
  
Camus: We're here to address a growing problem among the three regions of this world. What started as a harmless joke in the McDohl household in Gregminster has become a universal issue threatening to destroy every organization in the lands. What I'm talking about, is slash. Specifically, yaoi.  
  
Borus: Yaoi? Isn't that Japanese?  
  
Camus: Yes, yes it is. It means ... um, well, vaguely ...  
  
Mysterious Man outside the Window: THE PAIRING OF TWO MEN IN CERTAIN ROMANTIC SITUATIONS. SHOUNEN-AI MEANING 'BOY LOVE' OFTEN CONSIDERED TO BE A MORE PLOT-DRIVEN PIECE OF EITHER ORIGINAL OR FAN-MADE WORK, WHILE YAOI IS AN ANAGRAM ROUGHLY MEANING A PIECE OF SEX-DRIVEN WORK WITH NO PLOT OR PURPOSE.  
  
Everyone: ........  
  
Pesmerga: ......? Familiar scent........ of blood...... **reaches for sword**  
  
Hugo: **sweat drops profusely, inching away from the black knight**  
  
Camus: Anyway, I think it's in our own best interest to address the most common pairings, so that we can learn from our mistakes and end this horrid world of fan-driven work ... If you would, Miklotov.  
  
//Miklotov stands and produces a giant piece of paper with many names and pictures drawn on, which he tacks on to a board next to the other Matilda Knight. He then mumbles, sitting down again and crossing his arms.//  
  
Camus: Thank you. Arguably one of the most famous, and earliest pairing is none other than our own hero McDohl and his faithful servant Gremio.  
  
Pahn: WHAT THE HELL?!  
  
Gremio: **extreme blush** Oh my!   
  
McDohl: ...?  
  
Camus: Yes. Following traditional Frodo/Sam lines, this pairing is ... well ... easily explained, anyway.  
  
Riou: Tsh, Yeah. Doesn't anyone remember the whole 'tickling fiasco' when I reunited them at their home in Gregminster?  
  
Jowy: RIOU YOU'RE A SILENT HERO, DAMMIT YOU CAN'T TALK.  
  
McDohl: **glares at Riou for ruining the silent hero image**  
  
Riou: ......  
  
Camus: Moving on, the second most common and well liked pairing would be a tie among four. The first I will touch on ... is Flik and Viktor.  
  
Viktor: Ha! Yeah right.  
  
Flik: **completely white** W-What..?  
  
Camus: Two men, forced into being best friends ...  
  
Flik: **shaking** T-That's just s-so wrong ...  
  
Star Dragon Sword: Oh god, don't even get me started on those two...  
  
Flik: **tearing up** B-but what about Odessa?? Doesn't that prove anything?  
  
Camus: ....Odessa's dead, Flik.   
  
Flik: **having a nervous breakdown** S-s-sweet mother of g-god...  
  
Viktor: Oh, Jesus Flik it's not /that/ bad!   
  
Flik: M-must ... w-wash ... self ... so ... dirty ...  
  
Viktor: ... Ass.  
  
Camus: Next we have Culgan and Seed, the two lackeys of the great Luca Blight.  
  
Seed: **looks to Culgan**  
  
Culgan **looks to Seed**  
  
Both: Meh.  
  
Camus: And next up ... Uh, the next one would uh, would be ... uh ... **looks to Miklotov** Myself ... and ... um, Miklotov.  
  
Miklotov: ...  
  
Camus: ......?  
  
Miklotov: ...........................  
  
Camus: Uh, Mik? Any ... comments?  
  
Miklotov: .............what the HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!?!?! **stands up and overturns his chair**  
  
Camus: Calm down, it's not as if any of it's true!! It's just all the ... sexual tension and whatnot ...  
  
Miklotov: THERES NO SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN US.  
  
Camus: ... See, this is why you couldn't be in charge.  
  
Miklotov: SILENCE!!!!! I SHALL PURGE THIS WORLD OF ALL EVILS!!!!!  
  
//Miklotov runs out of the room screaming into the night. Camus stands unphased.//  
  
Camus: Whatever. Anyway, the final one is a truly infamous pairing... Riou and Jowy.  
  
Jowy: Eh??  
  
Riou: **angry that he has to be silent**  
  
Jowy: **looks to Riou** **extreme blush** But ..... I got married, remember??  
  
Camus: Yes. And then you left your wife to go on a 'journey' with your childhood friend there.  
  
Jowy: But what about Riou and--  
  
Camus: No. Riou has no one else. Except Shu.  
  
//Shu looks up briefly at the mention of his name, looking to Camus curiously, as he's been tuning out the entire conversation thus far.//  
  
Shu: Hmm?  
  
Borus: DUDE THATS FUCKING SICK!!!  
  
Jowy: You're about three times his age, you pervert! **moves to Riou, protectively holding his shoulders. He then realizes what he's doing, blushes again, and moves to his seat, crossing his arms and doing his best to look angry.**  
  
Shu: What?? I didn't do anything!  
  
Borus: You sick fuck.  
  
Shu: W-what?? I'm not-- I'm not interested in him! Jesus! I'm a professional-- what ... what about all that stuff with Apple??  
  
Sheena: You'd rather be thought of with /Apple?/  
  
//Caesar and Albert Silverberg both exchange brief glances, laughter suddenly swelling inside them. The two men bury their faces in their hands, laughing raucously.//  
  
Shu: ... Sheena ... didn't you marry her?  
  
Sheena: .......................least I don't molest children.  
  
Shu: You know what---  
  
Camus: Okay! I think that's ... enough about you, Shu. Moving on, due to the recent events in the Grassland area, which, incidentally, for all intents and purposes in this secret meeting of Suikoden men, happened at the same time as the wars in Toran and Dunan, many new ... pairings have sprung up.  
  
//Outside, Miklotov runs by, still screaming. He is ignored.//  
  
Camus: Because of a certain rune bearer, who shall remain nameless for the sake of his own anonymity..  
  
//Camus nods to Luc, who groans and covers his face.//  
  
Camus: ..quite a few new slashings have occurred. One of the favorites, and most controversial, is Luc and Sasarai.  
  
Sasarai: **looks around suddenly, the words not fully penetrating** ... Wait, what?  
  
Luc: **stewing in his own Sasarai-induced anger**  
  
Sasarai: **looks to Luc** ...... me and ...... Luc?  
  
Luc: **anger continues to rise**  
  
Dios: Aren't you two ........................ brothers?  
  
Sasarai: **suddenly pale**  
  
Luc: ....................See........ this is why ............ I want to destroy the world .............  
  
Camus: Another new--  
  
Luc: DEATH TO FANGIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Camus: Wha--  
  
Luc: HOW CAN ANYONE EVEN CONTEMPLATE PAIRING US TOGETHER?! NOT ONLY ARE WE BOTH FUCKING /TWINS,/ WE'RE BOTH FUCKING /CLONES./ WE'RE EXACTLY THE /SAME./ NOT TO MENTION I DID MY BEST TO /KILL/ THAT BASTARD BISHOP AND UNDERMINE HIS POWER ON MANY SEPERATE OCCASIONS. WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE BE PAIRED UP?!  
  
//Everyone begins inching away from Luc slightly, somewhat worried that another tirade will only send him over the edge once again.//  
  
Camus: Well, I suppose there's much to do with the ... sexual tension and ... the apparent hatred and/or sympathy... and the fact of the bishounen involved...  
  
Borus: **leafing through a japanese slang dictionary** Bishounen? ...Aren't those two like, 30?  
  
Sasarai: And damn hot.  
  
Luc: SHUT UP.  
  
Camus: ... Um, well....... I hate to go on to any others, but since most involve Luc, I ... can't really help it.  
  
Luc: **back to stewing in rage**  
  
Camus: Albert and Luc is a fairly well liked one... as is Yuber and Luc.  
  
Mysterious Man outside the Window: **snicker**  
  
Luc: ...?  
  
Albert: ........Yuber?  
  
Pesmerga: .....?!  
  
MMOTW: ....................**runs**  
  
//Pesmerga's sense kick into overdrive, and the black knight dives out the window, chasing after the figure.//  
  
Everyone: ...  
  
Camus: Annnnyyyyyway, ending the pairings of the four destroyers would be Albert and Yuber.  
  
Caesar: Jesus. **shakes head** A bloodthirsty warmongering demon? And an emotionally unstable rune container? Wow, man.   
  
Albert: .....At least I have a slash pairing.  
  
Caesar: ...Bitch.  
  
Camus: Actually, there are some who enjoy Albert and Caesar.  
  
Caesar: **twitch**  
  
Albert: **begins to laugh, until he realizes just what the pairing entails.** ..... Oh, god.  
  
Luc: LIKE THAT'S ANY WORSE THAN ME AND SASARAI YOU FUCKING STUPID ASS BITCH SILVERBERG BITCHES.  
  
Albert: oh CALM THE FUCK DOWN, LUC. **regains composure** We don't need any more emotional outbursts from you that will justify your urge to destroy all life.  
  
Luc: ........... I had a good reason.  
  
Albert: Of course you did.  
  
Luc: ...........**already plotting new scheme to destroy the Silverberg family**  
  
Camus: GETTING BACK ON TRACK ... Other new pairings involve such famous names as Borus and Percival...  
  
Borus: Hahaha-- **comprehension dawns** ....P..Percival?  
  
Percival: **sighs** Here we go.  
  
Borus: **begins shaking**  
  
Percival: **shakes head**  
  
Borus: Lady ......Lady.... **looks around in confusion** LADY CHRIS!!!!!!!!!! **knocks over his chair and runs out of the room**  
  
Camus: **exchanges knowing glances with Percival**  
  
//outside, Miklotov and Borus continue running around, both screaming.//  
  
Percival: Words can't express how happy I am to not be a Chimou star.  
  
//both men have a moment of Chiki star-ness. Alen watches, slightly angry. Grenseal sighs, unable to hide the feeling of being slightly left out.//  
  
Camus: Another slightly unusual pairing would be Percival and Jacques...  
  
Percival: **looks around**  
  
Jacques: ....  
  
Percival: ...... Who the hell is Jacques?  
  
Jacques: ....  
  
Percival: .......................  
  
Jacques: ....  
  
Percival: Hmm.  
  
Camus: Well this is getting old fast. Another couple is Borus and Nash, although thought to have been made up by .... someone .... **looks closely at note cards** someone very .. close to us? **looks to the ceiling** Hmmm. Anyway, apparently it /wasn't/ made up by this person, and is in fact a somewhat common coupling.  
  
Nash: Hmm? That blond Chris fanboy that ran screaming out into the night? **Nash looks into the distance thoughtfully, placing a hand to his chin** Hmm...  
  
//Sheena, who's sitting closest to Nash, begins to inch away.//  
  
Camus: AND THEN, the oddest, most insane yaoi slash combination is ..... um..... Rody and ... uh, well, it's not actually specified. There's just a bunch of asterisks around his name and a the word 'slut' written in bold letters.  
  
Rody: **half his face buried in the ground** Hmm?  
  
Camus: Uh ..... yeah. Then there's the horrible threesome that is.. Fred, Futch, and Franz. Otherwise known as "The Rock stars."  
  
Fred: HA. Yeah, we're pretty cool.  
  
Franz: ..........You do know what that means, don't you?  
  
Fred: Ha, yeah. I'm a rock star.  
  
Franz: .....  
  
Futch: **puts a hand to his face**  
  
Camus: Of course, Futch also gets Luc...  
  
Sasarai: **glaring at Luc** Jesus, how the hell do you get so many slashings? We're exactly the same!  
  
Camus: ...and McDohl...  
  
Sasarai: ....  
  
Camus: ...and... well, a bunch of other het pairings, but that's not what we're here for, now, is it?  
  
Sasarai: Whore.  
  
Luc: Hmph. I'm sure someone will eventually write something about you and Dios. I wouldn't worry.  
  
Dios: ......?  
  
Sasarai: THATS NOT FUNNY AT ALL, YOU SICK TWISTED BASTARD.  
  
Dios: You know, I'm .... right here, Sir.  
  
//The room falls silent as everyone realizes the incessant screams of mercy from the two Chimou knights have died out. Suddenly, Borus and Miklotov re-enter the room, their arms on each others shoulders as they talk intently//  
  
Borus: You mean your Chiki star gets all the girls, too??  
  
Miklotov: YEAH! That fucking bastard red knight--  
  
Borus: HA yeah don't get me started on the "Swordsman of Gale" or whatever pussy name he has.  
  
  
  
//the two knights begin laughing. Camus and Percival stew in anger.//  
  
Camus (under his breath): The only bloody girl i got matched with was Nanami...  
  
Riou: **Genkaku sense picking up** What did you say about Nana--  
  
Jowy: RIOU!!!!!!  
  
Riou: DAMMIT!!!  
  
Camus: Well, as you can see, this so called "yaoi" is doing nothing but tearing this continent apart. I believe now that we are all enlightened upon it, we can do our best to end it.  
  
//outside, Yuber and Pesmerga run by, yelling something about doujinshi, and a bit about Flik/Viktor//  
  
Everyone: ....  
  
Viktor: ....I knew there was something wrong with those two.  
  
Camus: We all agree then, on this sacred pact, that we shall do our best to rid the world of the evil that is yaoi. The sickening thought of being placed in the hands of millions of fangirls everywhere, shall be finally gone, and we shall be free.  
  
Everyone: Yeah!  
  
Borus: Wait .......... What about yuri?  
  
Everyone: ......  
  
Camus: Well yuri's fine.  
  
Everyone: Yeah!! 


End file.
